“Things are horrible”. This is a persistent refrain, and as I am told by my elders, has kind of always been the way of things – with various dips and breaks throughout history. It is also true that right now we’re in a confluence of global and domestic shifts and very serious and concerning trends with very serious and potentially dire consequences. I personally have an issue with taking *too* long a view and seeking too much comfort in saying it’s always been this way, because this can minimize real loss and real suffering happening right now; and can be employed (however unintentionally) to aid in passivity, cynicism and disconnection. However, there is something very powerful to the concept of non-attachment.
Paired with striving for compassion for self and others, the ideal of non-attachment can be extremely helpful in riding the waves of life – the lows, the highs and the lulls in between.
People who gravitate to reflective forms of therapy (psychoanalytic / relational work, somatic therapies, philosophy informed therapy approaches) tend to feel things deeply in their bodies and souls. Some feel things so deeply that habitual numbing develops as a primary defense. These people can grow with therapies which help in “waking up” to all the different aspects of what they feel and think, so over time they can move towards operating in a more integrated way. As we grow through this process, we often need help to moving towards ourselves and in not drifting away into intellectualization, compulsivity, thoughtless destructive action, denial or avoidance of complexity, which are understandable but problematic ways of seeking comfort.
The common metaphor of imagining bodily and mental states as waves which swell, crest, dip and merge, and which we can ride or move through and between, has been powerful and helpful for me personally and in my work with others.
People often apologize or worry that they are “wallowing” in pain. Or they imagine others hear their recounting of pain and worry as “whining”. It is true that this can be a thing and it’s important that the people in our lives who we put our trust into (including therapists) help us see if we are wallowing and whining to our own detriment, or in a way that pushes purportedly needed support away.
However, in my experience, very often when people are worried that they are wallowing or whining, they are actually experiencing an internal battle between allowing themselves to *feel* and articulate their distress, and the parts of themselves which say, “stop feeling and just behave, i.e., ‘be normal’ – NOW”. This impairment in the capacity for self-acceptance which is necessary to fully feel and voice what is happening inside and in the world, can actually keep someone stuck in sadness or anxiety. Whereas, as a person is able to cultivate expanded tolerance and acceptance of negative internal body and mind experiences – as they become more able to face and engage with what is indeed difficult or bad in them and in the world – they can experience an expanding capacity for steadiness and well-being in the face of the realities of living; and ultimately towards feeling better more often.
June 2024.
