When someone who was an integral part of a person becoming who they are, dies, so does a part of the griever. Death is the biggest wrench in the system and it wrenches your heart, mind and entire orientation to self and others. Learning to be gentle in helping yourself through is an important challenge. It’s not at all crazy to feel overwhelmed as you go through the upheaval. Loss is a part of life but it doesn’t *feel* normal. It feels awful.
When I went through a death of an important loved one who had been a formative influence on me for the first time, I was struck by how familiar, and yet unfamiliar and strange the feelings that I went through were.
Familiar, because all of the other losses in life that I’d gone through or tried to help others with, were preparation for this – somewhat.
But at the same time, actually losing someone so central to my life and my self, was a whole new hurt for me. The feelings of grief during and after the sudden terrible illness and ultimate death of someone very central to me and my life story, felt viscerally, fragmenting and hurtful in a way that words are inadequate to describe. This ultimate loss was bigger and more all-encompassing than my prior life experiences related to loss were. Nothing I’d felt, seen or helped others with had given me a clear glimpse of the depths of the pain that I experienced when my loved one who had been so important to me died. And now much later, this pain continues to come and go…. I am getting used to this situation.
I have learned to suspend expectations of the process of grief and have tried to practice acceptance. Acceptance of the gap where my loved one once was. And acceptance of the strange and unpredictable ways this occurrence has impacted me and my life. Does it make me stronger? Wiser? I don’t know. I do feel more in touch with mortality, finality and the limits of my own plans and desires. It just sucks. But this deepening understanding also connects me to others whose grief I had not quite “gotten” before (though of course I tried) until going through a big loss myself. Of course I have to remind myself that everyone is different, so “getting” others doesn’t mean knowing everything about their grief.
The grief process is a journey. There is nothing linear or predictable. My own grief process has tested my capacity to be patient, and to accept the difficult parts of life and of myself. I am sad but grateful for the journey. I miss my loved one so incredibly much but I am so so glad that I had that connection in my life, the loss of which leaves such a painful gap. So in that way, the grief is something I feel I am lucky to have.
December 2023.
